Fear and panic in Tacoma

I find that there are days when it feels like I just found out that Little Bug has ASD and I am bitten by Fear all over again. Fear is a nasty creature that creeps in when you are most vulnerable and seems to grab hold to your heart and mind. Fighting Fear is daunting and overwhelming. One thing you have probably noticed about me, I am a very methodical person. I love me some lists and organization. Today, I have organized my fear:

• Safety- Little Bug is a runner and self injures. I worry that he will escape from our home, which recently has felt like a fortress, or that he will run off in public. To combat this, I am going to purchase and install door chimes- as he has figured out the traditional baby safety devices and locks. We are also trying to train him to wear an ID bracelet. Self injuring is a losing battle. At this point, when he does it, we just try to distract him to a more healthy way of getting that sensory input.
• Speech- I am so proud of his 30 spoken words- with 10 of them unprompted. When I think about it in terms of development, my panic begins to rise. All we can do is keep doing what we are- Signing Time, sign language and our own version of PROMPT- and wait for speech therapy.
• Independence- Little Bug doesn't know when he is wet or soiled. He doesn't understand that HOT= dangerous or another billion safety examples. I worry that he may never be able to leave us and have an independent life of his own.
• Relationships- The past two months have been the best we have ever had with Little Bug- as we have finally gotten to have a relationship with him. He is doing really well with therapy and making HUGE strides forward. I am terrified that he will regress- I don't want to feel another kind of loss.

I think a majority of my fears are routed in grief- I grieve for the dreams we had for him. I grieve for the the time we missed as we didn't have much of a relationship with him. I grieve for the time we are missing now because of all the ASD things we need to do. Most of all, I grieve because I was powerless to prevent this. I accept, that while I can't prevent this, I can help Little Bug excel and reach his full ability.

I realized, that for the first few months of this, I rushed to solutions and research as a way of avoiding dealing with this grief. I was the person who researched and reached out. I was the person who shopped for therapy tools and said- we need these. I was the person who hid behind a mask of acceptance through work.

I realized this yesterday when we went Halloween costume shopping- which was hell. He screamed when we put one on him, but screamed when we took it away. He tried to hide in the bottom of the grocery cart because he was scared. There was nothing we could do to make it right.

I also realize that I will accept this with grace and strength and tears. I realize that DN and I are stronger in our relationship as ASD has made us a team. I realize that I would give Little Bug the world to help him- and I will do it every day. I realize that this will be more than okay- this will be great and we will enjoy it- just differently than how we had dreamt it.