Identity

Little Bug and I were walking down the sidewalk yesterday and he began to list whether people were boys or girls. This was surprising for many reasons. First, we haven't really worked with him on this. Second, because of who I am- a transgendered man who has had a baby and at times can look feminine- I *try* to not identify people by their gender.

As I listened to him, I held my breath. He pointed to me. This is it... this is the moment that I have been dreading. I was terrified of how he might identify me. I am even more scared of how my identity would affect him. He is so literal. He knows me only as daddy, but has realized that my body and his and Nick's are very different.

I, at times, have considered forgoing the choices I have made. My rationale was that it would make it easier on him to just undo the life I have made and fit into the mold. It won't. To me, that would only teach him that making the easy choice versus the right choice is what you should do; that rather than persevering and forging your path, it is easier to succumb. Trust me, I really tried to be a girl and really tried to fit in. It never worked and I hated my life.

Although I may have an odd life with few friends, the friends I have simply accept that I am who I am and make no bones about it. This can be a scary path to be on, but I will show Little Bug that doing what you believe is right is rewarding, even when just about everyone else can't understand why you do what you do. I will be his example of "OTHER". There will always be a person/place/idea, etc. that doesn't fit into the dichotomy to which our society so desperately clings. At least I can try to make this less painful for him.

He pointed at me and smiled. He signed Daddy. I asked him- am I a boy or a girl? He just smiled. I am happy to be DADDY above all other identities that I may have.

He doesn't do this grey things with anything else. He categorizes and divides. I imagine his head is full of Venn diagrams for everything- toys, foods, clothes. “GREY MUST BE ELIMINATED!” He categorizes everyone, save me and himself, correctly. I am just daddy and he insists that he is a girl. Maybe this is a phase or maybe this is how it will always be. I am happy to be an exception to his rules.