Comparisons

Consciously or unconsciously, we make them every day; in fact, they are a big part of how we learn and categorize information.  When it comes to children and childhood, life is full of them- height/ weight, milestones, and “baby tricks” are some of the most common. 

With Little Bug, we never had a problem with meeting the height/weight or milestones until he was 2.  Before 2, everything that was measurable was on track.  All those little items that can’t be measured- crying, contentment, independence- were not what they seemed like they should be.  Little Bug was often inconsolable for hours and days (yes, I do mean that literally) at a time before he was 1.  Once he was mobile, he was incredibly independent seeking out attention only for basic needs.

As new parents, Nick and I didn’t realize how different things were for us and yet I remember a lasting sense of hyper vigilance- SOMETHING WAS WRONG.  That ran through my head all the time and yet it was so easy to dismiss. Looking back is incredibly painful and the signs of Autism were there from we would argue day 1.  The crying probably had to do with sensory input.  Clothing and blankets were a major cause as Little Bug was most happy in just a diaper in the summer.  Sounds and light were another.  Silence was and is a major no-no in our house.  There is constant noise wherever Little Bug goes- whether created through stimming or provided by TV or music. When Little Bug was a baby, there constantly had to be something on.  When he cried, the louder the sound we used to comfort him the better.   He loved it if you made an shushing sound.  I remember walking with him in my arms and shushing until my throat felt raw and I thought my arms would fall off.  Some of our happiest times were listening to John Lennon blare from the stereo as Little Bug drifted to sleep.

These comparisons used to be painful for us.  At times, they still are.  A dear friend of ours has a wonderful little boy who is about 1.  It is amazing how content and quite this baby is.  How easy it is to get him to sleep.  How no alarms seem to go off with him.

The comparisons we are able to make now are wonderful ones as they are self-comparisons.  We can look at Little Bug and see him grow.  Now when we are in public and he sees another child, he rushes over to say hi and ask them to be his friend.  He used to not even notice that the child was there.  He now loves math, books, dinosaurs and Chuggington- expanding his world from the land of Thomas and sharks that it was.  He looks at us- really looks at us.  He reaches out for us to join him to play, to read, to love. 

These are the best comparisons.