'Tis the season

Ahhh, the smell of pine trees, the gentle lights from the Chrismas tree, and the sound of meltdowns.  Yep, it is the  "Holiday Season" (this should be read in that booming voice used for car commercials and wrestling announcements.).   It kicked off with Christmas Part 1- aka Thanksgiving.

We went to our grandparents with hope of more success this year.   Unfortuantely, large gatherings- which means more than 5 to 10 people- is still overwhelming for Little Bug.   In those times when Lennon is crying and needs to be by himself while the rest of the family is having Thanksgiving, it is hard to be hopeful and remember our blessings.

Little Bug acted out a bit, had a couple of meltdowns, and needed to spend a good amount of time upstairs with Nick or I.  As he puts it, "I'm fweaking out because of people.  It feels bad in my head and tummy."   We have found that although we can bring distractions and remember our tools, Little Bug still needs to be distanced from the events.  Although he wants to be alone, he doesn't mean alone.  What he means is that he wants you in the room, but not to talk to him.  He needs the comfort of you being there without any more sensory input.

We are thankful.  We are thankful that he now can identify when he is having a hard time.  We are thankful that he can tell us what is challenging for him.  We are thankful that we can look at this and help him.

Lastly, we are thankful that we can make different decisions for the next year; that our family will understand and support us.

Comparisons

Consciously or unconsciously, we make them every day; in fact, they are a big part of how we learn and categorize information.  When it comes to children and childhood, life is full of them- height/ weight, milestones, and “baby tricks” are some of the most common. 

With Little Bug, we never had a problem with meeting the height/weight or milestones until he was 2.  Before 2, everything that was measurable was on track.  All those little items that can’t be measured- crying, contentment, independence- were not what they seemed like they should be.  Little Bug was often inconsolable for hours and days (yes, I do mean that literally) at a time before he was 1.  Once he was mobile, he was incredibly independent seeking out attention only for basic needs.

As new parents, Nick and I didn’t realize how different things were for us and yet I remember a lasting sense of hyper vigilance- SOMETHING WAS WRONG.  That ran through my head all the time and yet it was so easy to dismiss. Looking back is incredibly painful and the signs of Autism were there from we would argue day 1.  The crying probably had to do with sensory input.  Clothing and blankets were a major cause as Little Bug was most happy in just a diaper in the summer.  Sounds and light were another.  Silence was and is a major no-no in our house.  There is constant noise wherever Little Bug goes- whether created through stimming or provided by TV or music. When Little Bug was a baby, there constantly had to be something on.  When he cried, the louder the sound we used to comfort him the better.   He loved it if you made an shushing sound.  I remember walking with him in my arms and shushing until my throat felt raw and I thought my arms would fall off.  Some of our happiest times were listening to John Lennon blare from the stereo as Little Bug drifted to sleep.

These comparisons used to be painful for us.  At times, they still are.  A dear friend of ours has a wonderful little boy who is about 1.  It is amazing how content and quite this baby is.  How easy it is to get him to sleep.  How no alarms seem to go off with him.

The comparisons we are able to make now are wonderful ones as they are self-comparisons.  We can look at Little Bug and see him grow.  Now when we are in public and he sees another child, he rushes over to say hi and ask them to be his friend.  He used to not even notice that the child was there.  He now loves math, books, dinosaurs and Chuggington- expanding his world from the land of Thomas and sharks that it was.  He looks at us- really looks at us.  He reaches out for us to join him to play, to read, to love. 

These are the best comparisons. 

1000 words (or more)

A highly condensed 18 months

Get your coffee, scoot your chair in, and hold on tight.  I am about to throw 18 months at you.

April to June of 2010.  The bullying child in Little Bug's class finally needed to be moved to a different class with more support.  Unfortunately, he just wasn't able to get the help he needed. Little Bug potty trained.  That reads wrong as it implies that we had any sort of influence over the process.  One day Little Bug simply decided that he had to wear Diego underwear. That was it. This applies only to day time- night time training has not happened yet.  It will happen when it does (I have become a lot more accepting about these things in the past 18 months).   Nick quit his job to stay at home with Little Bug- partly for money reasons, mostly for relationship reasons.  Nick and I realized that we needed to either change our way of doing things or not be together anymore.  

July 2010.  We took our first family vacation.  We went to Oregon and traveled the coast.  While we focused on mainly marine animal related attractions (as that is what Lennon was into), Nick and I were able to begin to really appreciate Little Bug's interest.  Nick and I also began really working on our relationship.


August 2010.  Kismet arrived.  Kismet is Little Bug's companion dog.  We found Kismet at the pound. She was a 7 month old Australian shepherd golden retriever mix- 100% adorable.  Immediately we knew that she was fit for the job.  During our "interview" with her at the pound, she kept Little Bug away from the exits, stayed with him through all of his flapping, and he even allowed her to be next to him when he had a meltdown at the pound.  This is a huge commitment- not just cost- but training and time.  Kismet has since been trained how to locate Little Bug, to walk on a waist leash with him, and also general public manners. While she needs some polishing, she is truly shaping up to be the gift we needed for him.

September to December 2010. Little Bug started his second year of preschool. While he had an IEP and was listed as one of the students who needed support, he was used as a peer model for the other special needs children in his class.  You heard me- a peer model. We were so excited to see his progress.

January 2011.  Nick and I decided to get married.  In a really quiet way without sharing immediately with other people.  It was nice to have something that was ours again.  To have this delightful secret that we could talk about and share.

February through May 2011.  This time flew by. We planned our wedding and were able to include Little Bug at times.  Nick and I began to develop our own passions- his for all things domestic (especially cooking) and mine for a new kind of work.  Suddenly, the world began to be made up of equal parts of Little Bug and everything else.


June 4 2011- Nick and I were married. We followed this up by taking a trip by ourselves.  Yes, you read that right. Our grandparents watched Little Bug for almost a week while Nick and I returned to Seaside OR.  Although it is a small touristy town, it was the perfect place for our honeymoon. It was the place where Nick and I decided that yes, we were going to make it. Yes, we were going to change.  Yes, we were going to accept our lives.


July 2011- Little Bug turned 5.  He had his first sleep over. It was insane. They stayed up until midnight laughing and talking. I remember sitting and listening in on them. Who knew that this would happen? 


August 2011.  We prepared for the first day of kindergarten.  That's right- kindergarten!  Little Bug is in a K1 Autism class.  8 students with Autism are picked from the school district for this class. The remaining 12 children in the class are typically developing.  


September 2011.  Little Bug started kindergarten.  Nick and I cried and beamed.  Mostly beamed.


October 2011.  We made an offer on our first home.  It got accepted!  We are hoping to close by the end of this month.  

An apology and an explanation

Well, we're back.  we have been gone for over a year and half.  First, I want to apologize for literally falling off the face of the planet. To be truthful, as much as I wanted to think that we had worked through the shock of Little Bug's Autism diagnosis and we doing alright, we weren't.

Nick and I went through a very dark patch last April- almost to the point of separating.  We needed to focus on us and on our family.  It felt like Autism and Little Bug had become this all consuming thing where we literally couldn't be anything but parents of a special needs child. It was daunting.  

We needed to learn balance. We were at a point where every conversation was about this. We never had time alone.  We never followed through with any of our interests.  Everything was Little Bug. We needed to learn how to prioritize.  We needed to learn how to truly accept- ourselves, our imperfections, our weaknesses, and our successes.

Now, having taken the long break that we needed, I am back and ready to blog.  It has been a whirlwind 18 months.  I can't wait to share them with you.