Strength in adversity

I need to get something off my chest.  This doesn’t have much to do with Autism.  Instead, it has everything to do with strength in adversity.  (Please note there is one instance of an F-bomb.  Justified I think in this case.)

This is something that autistic children demonstrate every day- whether it attempting to say a new word, motor plan getting dressed, or dealing with judgment from their peers.   Little Bug has certainly had his share and is developing ways to do with it.   Another kind of adversity that Little Bug has to deal with is discrimination. You see, and you should know if you have been following along, Little Bug has two dads- Daddy Nick and Daddy Blake (that’s me!).  Daddy Nick was born male but I wasn’t- I’m transgendered.   This has been something that we are honest with the world about- especially with Little Bug.  We thought that the people in our lives didn’t care.  Apparently we were wrong.

This weekend we had some family over and one of Little Bug’s cousins took it upon themselves to yell at Little Bug about me- that I wasn’t his dad and that because I had boobs I couldn’t be his dad.  This child told my son that I was Little Bug’s mom.  Little Bug simply stood his ground and repeated “He is my dad and I love him.”   I was able to intervene but it has been really upsetting (HA! Fucking understatement) to us all.  See this isn’t the first run in about my gender with this child.  At first, we figured that it was a normal curiosity from children.  It now just seems like anger coming from another source.  Given the persistence, I don’t believe that this is coming from tis child.  I am sure that this is coming from his parent(s).

Why does this matter?  In this day and age, isn’t any child lucky to have an involved parent let alone two involved parents?   Do the genitalia of the parents really matter?  If you have read this blog or known Nick and I, you know that we have worked and sweated and cried to help Little Bug reach his highest potential- whatever that may be.

What is surprising is that 8 years later, people in our family still have a problem with this.  People still call me she or Little Bug’s mom.  Why?  What is the hold up?  It is honestly astonishing to me.  I can understand any challenges in the first few months, but years later?  It honestly hurts.  It hurts because I expected these people to at least respect us.  Notice I didn’t say “accept”, “agree with”, “understand”, “empathize”, or “love”- just respect.  Respect- something that each and every person deserves and should demand.  I don’t have to agree with you or your choices, but I do have to respect them.  This should be afforded to you whether it is your sexuality, gender identity, religious beliefs, or the way you choose to treat your child’s autism.  

What makes you special?

Little Bug, Nick and I have been having lots of conversations regarding boys and girls and moms and dads. It started last Wednesday when Little Bug looked at me at dinner and said, "MOMMY!"

I didn't get upset. I didn't get angry. I simply asked, "What do you mean?"

"...says you are a girl." Interesting. Apparently, someone has taken it upon themselves to discuss with Little Bug who really is a daddy and who isn't.

Now, I am not naive- I know that Little Bug and I will talk about this a lot- to the point of making me crazy. I know that he may hate me for a while when he gets older and his friends give him shit. I know that he will always know, above all else, Nick and I love him more than our own lives and that is what matters. I believe that he will accept it and be proud of having two daddies- even if one is a special daddy.

What I do mind is that someone took it upon themselves to get into this with my son. While he has told us who said this, they deny it. It's a tricky situation.

But I digress and want to get back to the really cool part of all this mess. As I said, we have been talking about daddies and mommies and parts etc. I explained to him that I was born a girl, but am a boy. Whether he understands that at 3, I don't know, but I want to be honest with him. Regardless, he seemed unphased and went back to calling me Daddy Blake.

Yesterday, he brought it up again. He began counting the number of boys and girls in our house. He stated, "4 boys- you, me, Fink, Nick. 1 girl- you."

I looked at him and asked, "Am I a special boy?" I asked this hoping that it would ease us back into the whole transgender thing.

Little Bug looked at me and beamed, "Yes! Me special too!"

"I know you are, bug. You will always be special and amazing to Daddy Nick and I. What makes me special?"

He looked at me and beamed again. "Because I love you."

I am happy to special that way above all others.

Identity

Little Bug and I were walking down the sidewalk yesterday and he began to list whether people were boys or girls. This was surprising for many reasons. First, we haven't really worked with him on this. Second, because of who I am- a transgendered man who has had a baby and at times can look feminine- I *try* to not identify people by their gender.

As I listened to him, I held my breath. He pointed to me. This is it... this is the moment that I have been dreading. I was terrified of how he might identify me. I am even more scared of how my identity would affect him. He is so literal. He knows me only as daddy, but has realized that my body and his and Nick's are very different.

I, at times, have considered forgoing the choices I have made. My rationale was that it would make it easier on him to just undo the life I have made and fit into the mold. It won't. To me, that would only teach him that making the easy choice versus the right choice is what you should do; that rather than persevering and forging your path, it is easier to succumb. Trust me, I really tried to be a girl and really tried to fit in. It never worked and I hated my life.

Although I may have an odd life with few friends, the friends I have simply accept that I am who I am and make no bones about it. This can be a scary path to be on, but I will show Little Bug that doing what you believe is right is rewarding, even when just about everyone else can't understand why you do what you do. I will be his example of "OTHER". There will always be a person/place/idea, etc. that doesn't fit into the dichotomy to which our society so desperately clings. At least I can try to make this less painful for him.

He pointed at me and smiled. He signed Daddy. I asked him- am I a boy or a girl? He just smiled. I am happy to be DADDY above all other identities that I may have.

He doesn't do this grey things with anything else. He categorizes and divides. I imagine his head is full of Venn diagrams for everything- toys, foods, clothes. “GREY MUST BE ELIMINATED!” He categorizes everyone, save me and himself, correctly. I am just daddy and he insists that he is a girl. Maybe this is a phase or maybe this is how it will always be. I am happy to be an exception to his rules.